A Normal Story
by Inexplicably Kyprioth
Summary: All of Jack's stories end in the same way. Ianto gets bored and asks him to tell the sort of story normal people tell. Jack tries.


"And then there was this one time when – "

"Jack," Ianto cut him off. Jack looked at him expectantly. "You tell really great stories, but,"

"I don't lie," Jack huffed,

"They all end in one or both of two ways."

Jack looked blank.

"Blown up or knocked up," Ianto clarified.

"Oh." Jack was relieved. "I work for Torchwood. And before _that_, I was a Companion, a con man, and the Face of Boe. Duh."

"Ye-es. But I still have normal stories. Gwen talks about Rhys. Owen has normal stories. Even Tosh, famous for _having no life_, has stories. Normal stories – I forgot my keys; and then the neighbor's dog; and then he said and then she said and we didn't end up in bed together. Literally or figuratively in bed, Jack."

"But – "

"Even the _aliens _have normal stories. I was talking to the blowfish, whose name is Richard, by the way, or at least it translates to Richard – and he told me a story about shopping at an intergalactic mall."

"He was lying."

"That's not the point. Even if he _was _lying, there were no explosions and no exploits. And I looked _the Doctor_ up in databases here _and _at Torchwood One, and _he _told stories about ice cream. Didn't mean to get overheard, I gather, but around the time Torchwood was founded, a cart driver heard him talking about 3,999 flavors."

Jack looked pensive. "Green tea cayenne, chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, bubblegum…"

"_Which _flavors aren't the point either, Jack," Ianto cut him off before he could get to flavors sicker than bubblegum. "Stories like, when I was a teenager and going on my first date, my evil little brother threw all my underwear out on the lawn."

"Did he really?"

"Well, my grandmother's did. If you like outlandish, how about and then this happened, and then that happened, and I was late to work because of that blasted cat and that lemon!"

"I _live _at work."

"Still not the point, Jack. The point is normal stories. Try it."

Jack considered. "Do I get a reward for telling a normal story?" He asked. Ianto suppressed an eye roll.

"If it ends in the sort of reward you're thinking of, is it really a normal story? Or just another part of your repertoire?"

"O-kay. Does it count if I tell a story you were there for?"

Just where would Jack find a normal story with these parameters? Ianto sighed. "Sure. It _can _count."

"And does it have to have already happened, or can I make a story?"

"If you manufacture a normal story, I'll accept it." Ianto granted, wondering just how hard Jack had to try to get a normal story out of his life.

"All right. I have one. Once upon a time when I was very small…"

"You didn't even need those last two answers!"

"I like to know my parameters." Jack shrugged. "Do you want to hear my normal story or not? All right, then. Once upon a time when I was very small my Mommy took me shopping. We'd been shopping before, but this time was special. This time we were going to the really big mall, over by the landing dock.

"It was great! We did some boring things, but then we went toy shopping and I got a bear, and then we went grocery shopping and since my brother was at work with Daddy I got to push the cart the entire time, and then we went _clothes _shopping, and I got a – er, I got a lot of stuff. It was the best day of my life – until we got to the department store."

"Your mother wouldn't let you have a brand-name vacuum cleaner," Ianto guessed when Jack paused dramatically.

"Oh, vacuum cleaners get obsolete." Jack told him. "Not for a while yet, though, if I remember correctly. She _did _get me a dust glove."

"I _knew _it." Ianto muttered.

"But not there. The moment we got in the department store, we were accosted. By a _monster_. Well, an alien, anyway. It was big, and hairy, and it smelled funny. Kinda like flowers, but flowers gone _wrong_, and animals shouldn't smell like flowers anyway. It's wrong.

"So I tugged on Mommy's arm and I asked her to leave, but she said just a moment dear, which always means something terrible is going to happen. And she wouldn't listen to me. She just looked at the monster and smiled and nodded. I wanted to kick the monster, but I was being a Good Boy (or Mommy would send me home). Then she started following the monster into the department store. And there was nothing I could do about it. But it got worse.

"Once the monster had us deep in its lair and surrounded by other monsters, all of them huge and hairy and smelling of wrongness and flowers, it started trying to sell my mother a vase. But not just any vase. This was a hideous vase. I knew my mother was wise and clever and brave, and she would get us out of this mess safe and unvased. But the monster was too terrible! It had gotten to her somehow. All she did, even now, was smile and nod. I had to do something."

"I can see how that would be. Go on." Ianto was enthralled.

"So I got between my mother and the monster. I wanted to push it away from her, but I was still being a Good Boy. So I just threw my hands in the air and tried not to scream. 'You _can't _buy this vase!' I told her. 'It's _hideous!_' She looked at me… and she looked at the vase… and she looked at me… and then she started _praising _it! Like she was going to get _me _to buy it or something! I put my hands over my ears to show I wasn't listening. When she stopped, I put my hands on my hips and _stomped_," Jack demonstrated, "and I said, 'Mommy, you're not listening! This is the ugliest vase in the world, and if you buy it I'll never forgive you.' And I knew that _had _to make her see reason.

"But something terrible had happened, and instead of listening, Mommy laughed at me, and she _bought the vase_. Then she took me to other stores and tried to make it up to me – this is when I got the dust glove, and maybe I misplaced some of the other stuff – but it was still the worst day of my life. But it didn't end there.

"When we got home, Mommy took the vase out and filled it with beautiful flowers. It was so unbalanced – pretty flowers, ugly vase, and the flowers didn't even match the pattern of the vase! I tried to get her to put some in that at least went with the vase, but she wouldn't. And she put it on display. And every time we had visitors, she showed them the vase, no matter what I did. _With _the bad flowers in! And if I switched them for better flowers, she just switched them back. Something had to be done, and a couple weeks later, I had had enough. I took the vase down when Mommy wasn't looking, and I filled it with sand, and I put the ugliest flowers I could find in it. And then I buried it in the cellar." Jack looked smug.

"Did she find it?" Ianto asked.

"Of course she did. Mothers are magical. I put a chair over the spot to hide the overturned dirt, and she _still _found it. Although looking back, they _were _the stinkiest flowers I had ever found as well as the ugliest. And it was the only chair I moved. And I dug with her biggest kitchen spoon…"

"You used her kitchen spoon?"

"I didn't have a shovel, and neither did my brother, and there none to be had for love or money. So I used the biggest kitchen spoon. I was sneaky about it! I put it in the dishwasher afterwards!"

"Ah."

"Yes. But the next morning, Mommy called me, and she had the sarcophagus, so I – "

"You put in a sarcophagus?" Ianto exclaimed.

"Everybody knows that if something is in a sarcophagus, that puppy is _dead_." Jack informed him.

"Did you paint a picture on top, too?"

"It's not a sarcophagus without a picture on top. I wanted to put a pyramid over the hole, but that probably would have given the location away, so I didn't. I just put a little offering in the darkest corner. A _very _small one.

"But Mommy found it and called me, and I knew I was in trouble because of the sarcophagus. I couldn't look at her, so I shuffled in, and she said, 'Jack.' And I said, 'M'm?' And she said 'Look at me, honey.' And I did. And she said, 'Jack, you really don't like this vase, do you?' And I said, 'Noooo.' And she said, 'Why not?' And I stomped my foot and shouted, 'Because it's evil!' And then I realized where I was and I got very quiet. And Mommy looked at me and so I said, 'And ugly.' And she kept looking at me, so I said, 'And a monster sold it to you,' but really, really quietly, because Mommy always said it's not nice to call names.

"And Mommy looked at me, and took a deep breath, like this, and that's the what-am-I-going-to-do-with-you noise. Only now I think it might have been the I-am-trying-so-hard-not-to-laugh noise. But then she said, 'We're still keeping the vase, Jack.' And I was sad. And she said, 'But how about we fill it with pinto beans, and since your brother doesn't like them, we'll put them in the very back of the cupboard in the dark. How does that sound?' And so I said, 'Okay,' and we went and cleaned it out and filled it with pinto beans, and it only ever came out again once while I was at home, so that was all right then."

"Is that the end?" Ianto asked after a moment of silence. Jack nodded. "That was great, Jack! See, you can tell normal stories!"

Jack grinned happily. "Do I get my reward now?"

Ianto considered. "How about an online Gap account?"

Jack looked crestfallen. "How about a hug?" He suggested. "Hugs are better."

So Ianto hugged Jack.

And a few days later, he brought Jack a vase.

Reference – to Doctor at establishment of Torchwood (3,999 flavors)

Reference – to David Sedaris (no brand-name vacuum cleaner)

Reference – to David Tennant (that puppy is _dead_)

Reference – to Just So Stories (so that was all right then)


End file.
